Oh, me so thirtsty.




popozaoWHAT WHAT?


My Little Poopers!


Pick Up Your Pooch Pooh!

So, I was walking my dog this afternoon, trying to break in my new Reebok Easytones® (which a friend gave me for Xmas) BTW what did you get for Xmas, Todd? Oh that's right, you don't have any friends. Anyways, I turned around to look at a young lady who was passing on the other side of the street when lo and behold I stepped in a pile of Pooh so big, I expected see Sookie squatting somewhere near by giving herself a good wipe... with her hand that is. To be totally honest I'm not even sure it was pooch pooh, (Do dogs eat peanuts?) but I'm going to tell myself it was, 'cause I ain't cleanin' no people pooh! But I do have a message for whoever left it there.

Pick up your pooch pooh assface!

Mysterious Mass Bird Deaths In Arkansas.

So here's a weird story... I read this and instantly knew who to call. My source will have to remain anonymous, but trust me, he's legit. Here's what he had to say:

"I was having breakfast with my neighbor this morning, we'll call him "Mr. Black". He used to work with a guy who used to mow Bill Clinton's lawn back when he was Governor of Arkansas. He said that one morning, while he was pruning the Clinton's tomato bushes, he heard Clinton on the phone talking to NORAD and he was mad about this top secret military base hidden up in in the Appalachians. Furthermore, he said that the aliens that were being housed there were starting to get rambunctious and that pretty soon they would be out of control. He demanded that the base be relocated to another state before the aliens got loose and started inbreeding with the equally unruly Appalachians peoples.

But that's not the weird part, this is. The base was never moved, but it lost it's funding in 2008, and the place was locked down, sealed up... closed. Not a single sign of life has been seen there, that is until about a month ago. That's when one of our observers saw a bright light hovering above the middle of the complex. He couldn't get close enough to see exactly what it was, but he took these pics, and he swears up and down it was an alien vessel!


So me and Mr. Black figure this whole avian death thing is some kind of alien weapon that alien invaders have been developing since being sealed underground by the military. These birds are just a sign of what's going to happen to us."

So there you have it! Mass murder of innocent birds by aliens who had been hidden and then left for dead by the Gov. How's that for a first?

UPDATE: The "alien" vessel turned out to be the Direct TV® blimp, there was never any top secret base in Arkansas, and Bill Clinton never had any tomato bushes.


Oh, and my anonymous source is WHOMADETHATDIRTYSOUND.COM food critic, Darryl Montgomery and he's a moron.


OK, so I'm walking down the hall at work this morning, and I hear Todd on the phone with the guys down in Texas. And he's trying to sound all Texan again. Saying "Y'all" and stuff. What a LOSER!

He's not even from a real Texas town, He's from Corpus. Ever been there? Ugh. We went there for a "retreat" back in '08 and it was like we'd stepped into a low budget remake of Florida circa 1985. What a dump! Keeble and Montgomery both got sick on some Jumbo Shrimps they ate. Luckily I planned ahead and brough several cans of Vienna Sausages!

Anyways, Todd thinks it's so cool now, that we have a bereau in Austin and Houston...whatevs! He keeps saying we're going to go down there again and "Party" with the guys some weekend. Yeah right, who's buying the bus tickets? Anyhoo, I wish he'd go back to Texas and stay there. Idiot.


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Father Keeble and Darryl just got a new camera and some video software and made this! We're going Global!!!!


I don't know what the hell is wrong with the world! Our offices got broken into for the fifth time in under a year. Father Keeble lost his beloved Karaoke Jambox, I lost my autographed copy of ***, Todd lost his new netbook and Beto lost his collection of photos of famous athletes in the locker room! Darryl made it unscathed again, but who'd want any of his crap anyways? His office smells like the restroom at a convienence store!


andy-causeThanks to all of you who came out to the First Annual "Andy Cohen & Families Against Gonorrhea BBQ and Sack Race". I'd like to personally apologize for the lack of side dishes - specifically the potato salad that Todd© and his new "girlfriend" promised to bring. (they were probably too busy sucking face and giving each other foot massages to come out and help us fight gonorrhea!) I'd also like to take a moment to apologize for the chaos that ensued when the Sheriff's Department arrived shut down the festivities early. I didn't realize the terms of my probation prohibited me from being less than 50 feet from alcoholic beverages or children under the age of consent. And I still feel that there was no need for the officers to draw their weapons!

And finally, I'd like to make a special apology to all of the parents for the "Eff Gonorrhea!" t-shirts I handed out on Saturday. I was very explicit with my printer that the shirts were to read "Don't Eff Gonorrhea!". I apologize for the mixed message this most certainly must have sent to your children.

This years event was an unprecedented hit! We raised nearly $135 to help combat this silent killer! Thanks for making it a success! Don't forget to collect that pledge money!

Anyhow, next years "Andy Cohen & Families Against Gonorrhea BBQ and Sack Race!" is already being planned and is scheduled for Saturday November 5, 2011. So get ready for a great time of food, fun, and fellowship!