The Australian Open!

Hey there, sports lovers
and aficionados of all things athletic and manly! Beto here with the latest and greatest news in the sports worlds!
This week we're catching up on all the action Down Under. And I do NOT mean my new pink banana hammock, or what happened in the men's room at Mary's last Thursday ;) JK! Anyways, you already know I wear plaid boxers like the masculine lumberjack I am, you catty bitches! But I digress, the action down under I'm talking about, is the Australian Open Championships of Tennis Matches! They have tennis down there on that bleak continent now and all the greatest pros in the world fly down there to battle it out for big prize money and large tracks of Aboriginal land!
The word around the men's locker rooms - which I prowl like a panther looking for the latest gossips - was that Rafael Nadal, the Spanish Clay Master (who is a chronic wedgie picker, btw), was going to go for a Rafa Slam. That he was a shoo-in to win! There were also rumors that Roger Federer, the greatest player to ever lay a finger on those fuzzy yellow balls, was on his way out and no longer a factor. Well, I always go for the underdog so I was rooting for Federer all the way. Swing it hard Rog!
But Roger lost and the rumors were right. So long, loser!
But then Rafa, with his crab like arms, lost too! Adios, Rafa. We no queiro estupido losers in Austria so see you next year!
So the two favorites to win were OUT!
I bet all those compulsive gamblers back in Lost Vegas were upset! That's what you get for betting on games, losers! Like those untainted, pure athletes involved in college sports, the beauty of the game should be enough for you. Serves you right.
Anyways, back to the action!
So the two not-as-interesting-as-Rafa-or-Roger-players to step up and fill the finals were Irishman Andy Murray and Croatian Novak Djokovic. Murray has big teeth and a white-boy-afro. He likes to flex his biceps after he hits a winner. Wotta man! Novak is known as the 'Joker' around the locker room for his unfortunate looks (and a botched circumcision from what I've heard.)! He reminds us of Jack Nickelson in his Oscar winning role as the Joker on Batman! The poor boy! I wonder if
But don't feel too bad for the Joker. You know why? He was victorious! He won the Australian open in the three quick sets and sent Murray back home to Wimbledon to get a haircut and flex his muscles. Yay for super villains! Go Joker! Joker got a check for 1 million Austrian dollars and the 'Dream Walker' Aboriginal tribe's ancestral land. Nearly 200 Acres! Yay for civilization!
That's it for this week, gang! Come back next week for riveting sports actions as only we can tell it!
Beto Pan Dulce